Wednesday, January 8, 2014


Today marks a big day.
A day I have long awaited since being sick - but also feared.
A day that holds a lot of pressure on me and creates anxiety.
And I don't fully know why.

But today marks the day I return to Nursing.  
I am going back to Trinity to take a Nursing Leadership course, which I am actually really looking forward to.  The crazy school-loving nerd in me cannot wait to hit the books again and learn - learn things that will impact my career and life goals... but if only taking a class meant just taking a class.

It holds a lot more.
It holds past identities that I no longer can or wish to fulfill. 
The overachiever.  
Involved in everything.  
Unable to say no.  
The one who had to do to feel appreciated and loved.

And I still fight that.  But why?
I know that God loves me for me.  Not what I can do.
And that the more I do doesn't equal more love or acceptance or forgiveness.
Grace comes freely - not because of a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g I have done.

But going back to school pushes back on this truth.  
My heart fills with nerves and worry.
But thankfully not just with that.
Also with joy and hope.

Joy that I am healed and can go back.
Hope that He has not only physically healed me but is healing my messed up and broken heart and mind.
That He is transforming me more and more every day.
Through the struggles and the pain.
Through the lessons.

And I know He is with me.
And will remain with me through this day and all that is to come.

I woke up with the chorus of "Never Once" by Matt Redman stuck in my head.
And you may say that is coincidence but I think it is Him.
Him whispering His truth.
That He has never left me alone and never will.
That He is with me.

And so today I rest in this.
I rest in Him.
And that He is with me through it all.
That He was with me through the horrible struggles of being sick and the unknowing that held.
That He was with me through the healing and the incredible joy that brought.
That He is with me now as I enter back into a life I once knew.
And that He will never leave me.
Because He was, is, and will forevermore be faithful.

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Every step we are breathing in Your grace 
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful 
You are faithful, God, You are faithful 

- Matt Redman

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