Brutal Honesty

I went for coffee with an old friend yesterday after my art class.  Well I had peppermint tea because I'm doing a 10 Day Detox (check it out here! It's put together by my health coach Amanda Daley and it's awesome!  I am deconstructing cravings and also detoxing from all the meds I have been on throughout my journey this past year!  And I can excitedly say I am officially weaned off of all my sleeping pills now, which only leaves the antidepressant and I can probably start weaning that soon now that I'm off everything else!!)
Anyways, back to what I want to write about today... Sorry I have a bit of a tendency to go on rabbit trails when I am excited about something!

So we went for coffee/tea to catch up, talk about Guatemala and church.  And we ended up coming to the topic of brutal honesty.  And how far too many people say they are good when they are not.  So I was like "well let's do it - let's be brutally honest."  And we decided to hold each other accountable to a month of honesty - to everyone.  And I hope you will consider joining us too!

But I got to thinking how hard it was to answer the "how are you?" question when I was sick.  I didn't want to be flat out honest with how I was struggling with depression, not getting better, and wondering if I would ever get better.  Partly because of selfish reasons.  Pride is there and it's hard to admit you are really not doing well.  
But I also found I didn't want to share how I was really doing because people didn't want to hear anything other than "A bit better" or "Today is a good day!"  And this was really hard for me.  I didn't want to lie but it was way easier.  And to someone I wasn't close with, I just didn't want to have to get into it. 
But what good does saying you are well when you aren't do?  I don't think it does any.  Yes it's important not to get stuck in the bad and to focus on gratitude and reasons to be joyous.  But honesty also sets us free.
And it is freeing to share how you are really doing.  What is going on in your life.  What your struggles are.  And what your joys are. 

And yes it was really hard to answer honestly when I was sick but I find it almost harder now.  
Harder now because people expect I should be great - because I am doing better.  
Harder now because I don't want people to think I could be getting worse. 
Harder now because I refuse to go back to how I was.  To be sick again. 
Harder now because I know I have so very much to be grateful for and have such a story to share. 
Harder now but that doesn't excuse it. 

So in all honesty, I am trying to find my place again.  And it's hard. 
It's hard to find where I fit.  Who I am now that so much has changed in me. 
Where God wants me to be in this different season of rest - a chosen season of rest. 
And hard because of fear that sneaks in.  Sneaks in and says I shouldn't or cannot do something because I will relapse.  Or fear that I don't fit there anymore.  Or ... the list can go on. 

And so although in some ways I am really doing so great, I am also struggling. 
And that's reality. 
And that's honesty. 

And I hope and pray that striving to be honest about these things will help me work through the fears and realize that it is freedom I stand in.  
That He is in me. 
And I have no need to fear.  
And that honesty will set me free. 

Sets us all free.  
Accepting the Truth of Christ. 
Living in that Truth. 
And living honest lives with each other.