Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Forever Held

It has been months now since I have been stuck sick in bed.  And these past few months have been absolutely incredible.  Full of learning, experiencing things I love, doing amazing activities with people closest to me, and choosing to rest and sit in His love.
I am running again, painting again, cooking again, traveling again and dreaming again.
And God is good.  So good through it all.

Even today as I sit sick.  
Sick for the first time since being truly sick.  And yes it is just the flu and I know I have no need to worry of relapse because the flu is normal, but it still makes me think things.  Less things of worry of becoming as I was, sick as a was, but more things of how I was.
The fear and reality of what being hopeless felt like.
How I did not know if 'better' would ever be my reality.
If I would ever go to Guatemala again, let alone get out of bed.
If my life would be filled with love and joy again.

I am officially weaning off of my antidepressants now - Praise the Lord! - and although I don't feel hopeless or depressed now, it reminds me of where I was.  The reality that was my life.  And yes He never left me and never let me go but it was still a dark valley... the darkest valley.
During that time I drew a picture of an old key and captioned it 'Locked Inside'.
That was a scary time for me.  Realizing that was what was happening. 
And although I wish I were never on antidepressants (and not because of the stigma but because I believe there a lot of other ways to heal from that low now), I recognize that coupled with intense prayers and the constant holding of my Saviour, that I was able to come through that. 
Into light.  Into hope. 
Into life and life to the full - even while I was still in bed. 

So although this time of feeling like I am run over by a truck is real and happening now, I don't need to worry.  
I don't need to fret because I know He holds me.  
He holds my future. 
And He will never let go. 


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