It has been months now since I have been stuck sick in bed. And these past few months have been absolutely incredible. Full of learning, experiencing things I love, doing amazing activities with people closest to me, and choosing to rest and sit in His love.
I am running again, painting again, cooking again, traveling again and dreaming again.
And God is good. So good through it all.
Even today as I sit sick.
Sick for the first time since being truly sick. And yes it is just the flu and I know I have no need to worry of relapse because the flu is normal, but it still makes me think things. Less things of worry of becoming as I was, sick as a was, but more things of how I was.
The fear and reality of what being hopeless felt like.
How I did not know if 'better' would ever be my reality.
If I would ever go to Guatemala again, let alone get out of bed.
If my life would be filled with love and joy again.
I am officially weaning off of my antidepressants now - Praise the Lord! - and although I don't feel hopeless or depressed now, it reminds me of where I was. The reality that was my life. And yes He never left me and never let me go but it was still a dark valley... the darkest valley.
During that time I drew a picture of an old key and captioned it 'Locked Inside'.
That was a scary time for me. Realizing that was what was happening.
And although I wish I were never on antidepressants (and not because of the stigma but because I believe there a lot of other ways to heal from that low now), I recognize that coupled with intense prayers and the constant holding of my Saviour, that I was able to come through that.
Into light. Into hope.
Into life and life to the full - even while I was still in bed.
So although this time of feeling like I am run over by a truck is real and happening now, I don't need to worry.
I don't need to fret because I know He holds me.
He holds my future.
And He will never let go.