I sit contemplating life.
Life that seems too short.
Taken too fast.
The last two funerals I have been to have been for a 22 year old high school friend and 31 year old cousin. My mind immediately says this should not be.
This is not right.
They should not be gone.
But then I hear the whispers.
It is right. My timing is always right.
They are with me and are truly living now.
Free from the struggles of this world.
Free from fear, addiction, and pain.
Full of joy, love, and freedom.
After the service this past Friday, pie, ice cream, and herbal tea was served in memory of my cousin Jesse. I wish I knew him more. For despite his open struggles, he loved God and wanted to be free with Him. He desired to be with God. To know His love more and more.
And though his death tragic, such beauty has already come.
I know many have had to work through death.
How scary it sounds. How foreign it seems to our thoughts.
Work through and accept that we haven't lost Jesse, but heaven has gained Him. He isn't lost because we know where he is. We know he is with Christ worshipping his heart out.
This funeral sparked something else in me too. Not just the hope of knowing where Jesse is but also the joy of the life I have been given. While talking with family and friends last seen far too long ago, I found myself often recounting my miracle story. My story of healing. My story in which God moved in huge ways.
While talking about my story, my dad piped in. Told of how at some points he didn't know if I would even make it. If I would remain in bed on earth, or my body need to be placed on an earthly bed.
And in honesty, I did think of that too. Would I make it?
But further and darker than that, I too thought about if life were worth living. If it would be better if I could be truly laid to rest rather than stuck on what seemed like coffin of a bed.
But God never left my side. Never took away the last threads of hope and comfort in Him that I desperately hung on to.
He held me. Saved me. Healed me.
And always always loved me.
Loved me with a love that is greater than life.
That is life giving.
And life freeing.
The farther you roam along paths of unbelief, the harder it is to remember that I am with you. Anxious thoughts branch off in all directions, taking you further and further from awareness of My Presence. You need to voice your trust in me frequently. This simple act of faith will keep you walking along straight paths with Me. Trust in Me with all your heart, and I will make your paths straight.
I read this in yesterday's Jesus Calling entry. And it hit me. Hit me hard. I have a secret to share. One that I have only voiced with few. A secret that I am scared to share.
I am scared of the possibility of what may come. This question full of lies and pungent doubt creeps into my mind, "what if I am not healed?"It continues if I let it. And it wraps around my brain constricting my joy.
What if I am just in remission? Chronic Fatigue syndrome doesn't just last 9 months... What if it will come back? What if I hit November 11th (Click here to read about that day I will always remember) ...And my body decides to remember what happened that day and after that far too literally. What if I am not healed?
Trust. Trust in Me.
These words are not just whispered but seem to be shouting out at me today as I sit by the river and rest in Him. Look to Him. Seek His beautiful face. And as I do these things, His voice - the voice of truth - stands out among the rest.
Trust. Trust in Me.
And so I sit in repentance and praise this morning. Holding open my hands and my heart. Opening my eyes to cry. To look up. And to fix my gaze upon Him again. My God who is always with me. Who never leaves nor forsakes me. And promises to give me a hope and a future.
So today is a day of redirection. Refocus. Re-trusting. And of resting in that faithful pursuing love that holds me now and forever. That I can trust and hold onto without fear.
YOLO
I never liked this newly loved and overly used word.
You only live once. YOLO.
I didn't say it. I didn't honestly live it.
I believed that yes I only have one life to live so I should live it well and to His glory.
But I don't know how much of my life reflected that I only have this life.
And that I should live it up.
Live it up for Him.
But that has changed. I feel more alive than ever before.
I am doing things I wouldn't have done willingly.
I am dwelling in sacred quiet.
I am rushing through the forest on my bike.
I am jumping into life and so looking forward to what is around the next bend.
I am relinquishing control. My need to know what is happening now, soon, and later.
What the next corner will look like.
What I will do there.
While being stuck in bed, I learned the lesson of taking each day at a time.
Taking what that day held and doing what I was able to.
Appreciating what was there. In that moment.
And not what I wished were there.
And I am trying to embrace that now.
To live each day with joy, spontaneity, and freedom.
And some days that means exploring the wondrous bike trails around my new home.
Some days that means jumping in the freezing ocean and swimming to the docked boat.
Some days that means creating a painting inspired a phrase in my morning devotional - joy ecstatic.
Some days that means stopping to smell the flowers.
And some days that means being open to what may come.
Living it up.
Loving it.
And going for it.
No matter what.
Because really, YOLO... So why wouldn't you live it up while you can?
Why wouldn't you decide to live, and I mean really live?
So that is my challenge.
Live it up.
Live it up for Him.
Love and blessings,
Xo
