Thread of Hope

I sit contemplating life.  
Life that seems too short.  
Taken too fast. 

The last two funerals I have been to have been for a 22 year old high school friend and 31 year old cousin.  My mind immediately says this should not be. 
This is not right. 
They should not be gone. 

But then I hear the whispers. 
It is right. My timing is always right. 
They are with me and are truly living now. 
Free from the struggles of this world. 
Free from fear, addiction, and pain. 
Full of joy, love, and freedom. 

After the service this past Friday, pie, ice cream, and herbal tea was served in memory of my cousin Jesse.  I wish I knew him more.  For despite his open struggles, he loved God and wanted to be free with Him.  He desired to be with God.  To know His love more and more. 
And though his death tragic, such beauty has already come. 
I know many have had to work through death. 
How scary it sounds.  How foreign it seems to our thoughts. 
Work through and accept that we haven't lost Jesse, but heaven has gained Him.  He isn't lost because we know where he is.  We know he is with Christ worshipping his heart out. 


This funeral sparked something else in me too.  Not just the hope of knowing where Jesse is but also the joy of the life I have been given.  While talking with family and friends last seen far too long ago, I found myself often recounting my miracle story.  My story of healing.  My story in which God moved in huge ways. 
While talking about my story, my dad piped in.  Told of how at some points he didn't know if I would even make it.  If I would remain in bed on earth, or my body need to be placed on an earthly bed.  
And in honesty, I did think of that too.  Would I make it? 
But further and darker than that, I too thought about if life were worth living.  If it would be better if I could be truly laid to rest rather than stuck on what seemed like coffin of a bed. 
But God never left my side.  Never took away the last threads of hope and comfort in Him that I desperately hung on to. 

He held me.  Saved me. Healed me. 
And always always loved me. 
Loved me with a love that is greater than life. 
That is life giving. 
And life freeing.