It's Your Breath

Everything happens for a reason.
Everything happens for a reason...
Everything happens for a reason?

I started to believe and hold onto this Monday night in the emergency room while waiting for my IV antibiotics to finish. 
Earlier that evening, my dear friend finally talked sense into me and brought me to Abbotsford emergency as I was having severe lower back pain, weakness, and was running a fever. I was scared to admit something might be going on that was more than just food poisoning (I had sushi on Friday that I thought was off so obviously put all my symptoms on that).  Wednesday I was supposed to be flying to Guatemala on a short term missions trip with a group from my university and so I figured I should make sure things were under control before going - not thinking they would tell me not to go...

Note the Guatemalan pants!

My friend asked me what was the worst thing it could be and my mind didn't go to the absolute worsts (like cancer or back to Chronic Fatigue - at least that night).  My mind went to a bad kidney infection in which I would need IV antibiotics for. 
So when that is actually what they did for me, I realized it wasn't good. I probably wouldn't be going to the country that held a special piece of my heart. 
I was sick.
And God was making this happen for a reason? Purposefully stopping me from going to Guatemala?

Why would He make this happen to me?  Force sickness on me, again, when I felt like I was following His will?

And as the days have progressed, with more tests (including a CT to rule out kidney stones), more medications, and more doctors in the ER, I began to realize that this wasn't true. Sure in the long run, reason can and probably will come from this but the truth is, sickness, pain, and death are not of Him.  
So instead I chose (and continue to choose) to hold onto this truth instead:

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28)

I can believe that good will come of out this.  I can trust He is working in and through this - not that He caused this per say but is using this for good.  And not my own good necessarily but His good, the greater good, and my spiritual good. 
And to be honest, I already have learned from this.  That I was falling back to my own ways.  Saying yes to too much.  Feeling like the more I did, the better.  If I was gasping for air, all the better. Because that meant I was doing a lot for Him right?  Reaching beyond myself and to others...

But now that I am forced to stop and truly breathe... Inhale Him and His goodness and peace and exhale Grace... I recognize that in the gasping, I was breathing on my own.  Not relying on His breath. His air to fill my lungs. 

So now, in the forced rest, I am trying to let go and just rest in Him.  Let go of people-pleasing and instead focus on just pleasing Him.  Letting go and letting God. 
Letting Him do a work greater than I could ever imagine. 

Thankfully I am now off the IV and can be taking oral antibiotics and strong pain medication at home, as they were able to rule out kidney stones, or worse.  So I'm praying that in this time He would transform my mind and heal my body. 
That it would be His breath in my lungs, now and forever. 

A Change in Perspective

Today I returned to Richmond Hospital.  Thankfully not to stay but just to visit the CT scanner.  This time it was for my head.  It was odd having my head strapped down but otherwise it was quick and the technician was really nice.  I had to have the IV contrast dye again, which gives this weird warm feeling as it goes through your blood stream.  As bizarre as it is, it is so cool.  Yes, it makes you feel like you have peed your pants but it is incredible because it goes through the body so quickly.  Within seconds your whole body gets this warm sensation.  How marvelous our circulatory system is!  How fearfully and wonderfully made we are!

Click here to check out Sevenly!

That is one thing that being sick makes you realize.  The complexity of our bodies truly has no explanation other than divine creation.  It is awe-inspiring.  For everything to function is an absolute miracle - a miracle that too often is taken for granted.  Today I ordered a print from Sevenly (an amazing organization that gives $7 from every item purchased to a weekly cause; this week it is CURE International to provide babies in Uganda with life saving brain surgeries!) and the print reads as follows:

Someone is praying for the things you take for granted

I think that is a good reminder - a perspective changer.  Being in bed has given me a lot of time to think.  To think about what I place importance on.  To think about the things that I make my priority.  To think about what I have and what I have been blessed with.  But I have not always taken the time I have been given to work through lessons and realize the blessings.  I have sat and just cried.  I have been angry with God.  I have had to examine what I believe to be true.  I have sat in denial and disbelief of my situation.  I have sat in the dark valleys.  But you know, I am actually thankful for those times.  The times when I could not seem to find God.  The times when I realized I actually was mad at Him for changing what I had planned for my life (like really who do I think I am?).  For in those times, He really is there.  "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me"  (Psalm 23:4).  He is there in the sun shining, my mother's embrace, the mother duck guiding her babies along, the peace that passes understanding, the joy unexplained bubbling up in my soul, the comfort that seems to never leave...
But I still take so much for granted: God's eternally unconditional kind of love, my family being by my side to hold me up when I am faint and bring me food and drive me to the doctor, to have a doctor, a car, a bed, a life.
Today while waiting for my CT I was reminded that things really are not that bad.  Despite me sitting in a wheelchair, I was definitely not the sickest of the bunch waiting to have my head or some other part scanned.  One man looked as though he were made of bone and skin alone.  But you know, he seemed happy.  He had a smile on his face and his wife beside him.  Being in the hospital today caused me to open my eyes a little wider to the blessings in my life.  To the miracles that occur every day here.  To the beautiful divine words of God.  To the everyday blessings that bring joy to my heart.  To knowing I am His and He is mine.