Spirit Lead Me

Spirit lead me where my trust is without bordersLet me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Saviour

- Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) by Hillsong

Where feet may fail.  Where my feet fail. 

Where my feet fail and yet where my faith grows. 

These last seven months have been deep waters.  

Oceans deep. Where waters roar. 

The water all around me seems to be rising - rising to waves that no one would be able to escape.  Seas so rough that even the most skilled sailor would not be able to navigate them. 

Yet somehow, in this raging ocean, peace and comfort come. 

I am not tossed overboard to drown but made firm through a love that never waivers.  A God who never fails.  My Saviour who holds me tight while the boat rocks fiercely.  The true life vests that enwraps me - holds my head above water.  Above water no. matter. what.

No. matter. what. 

Even when doubt creeps in.  When I wonder if that anchor can truly hold out in these seas.  When I wonder if I will make it.  If I will ever see land again.  If the waters can be made still.  Yet praise God that His faithfulness does not depend on how great my faith is.  He is faithful no. matter. what. 

He holds true to all His promises. 

He is mine and I am His.  His daughter.  His daughter no. matter. what. 

Just before leaving California this morning, the sun came out.  The sun came out brighter than it had all week.  A true gift indeed from the Father.  

A glimpse of true beauty.  A glimpse of the still sea.  The sea where the sun always shines.  Where I am in the presence of my Saviour. 

Where I feel true joy with the sun wrapping its warmth around my weak body. Where I smell the sea breeze.  Where I see the dolphins surfing along the faithful waves with graceful agility.  Where I look up and see the pelicans flying.  Flying home together.  

And now we fly home together but that wonderful morning where I felt His presence, saw His face, and heard His comforting song through the ever constant waves stays with me.  

We fly now.  We fly I can can continue my prayer from this morning of Spirit lead me.  Spirit lead me to walk along the water.  The waters you ordain, wherever they may be, whatever they may be like, and whenever you may call.  Lead me.  Lead me along the water.  Where my feet may fail but your guiding arm of supportive will never fail. 

So now as we continue to fly among the clouds, I have my head in the clouds.  Like the mountain poking through, I dream thousands of feet in the air.  I dream of where He may lead and what it may look like if I follow along the waters. 

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Falling

A couple of the blogs I have begun to follow write for five minutes every Friday. They write for five minutes from a prompt on Lisa-Jo's blog.
I don't know Lisa-Jo but I do know that her idea of five minute Friday causes women to gather together in community and write truths from their heart.
The concept of five-minute Friday is that you write for five minutes and five minutes only from the prompt she posts. You don't go back and edit. You leave it raw, honest, and imperfect.  Which somehow seems to make it perfect.  For you hear from the heart. 
The concept scares me a bit. Having a time pressure gives me a bit of anxiety.  
That is something that is new to me.  Anxiety. I don't really think I was anxious much before but lately it has been a bit of a struggle.
So for the first time, I decided I would write. Write without a time limit but still write on the prompt.  And I guess it doesn't matter much as it is Saturday today anyways!


So here we go... My version of Five Minute Friday....
Fall

Fall is a word that doesn't sit well with me.
I think it is beause it looks a lot like fail.

I am a recovering perfectionist.  Some days I am better than others but I haven't seemed to find the cure yet for that one.
Failing isn't an option for me. Falling isn't an option.
Well it wasn't.

Now things have changed a bit and yes I have almost fallen because of my weakness or dizziness.  Because of my imperfections.  Because I am sick.
I have failed to be who I thought I would be.  What I thought I would be able to achieve.
I am not a nurse.  But maybe that is good for I think I seemed to fail a bit on the self care aspect.  I tried to always care for others, help those who needed it, say yes to everything.
But now I cannot.  I failed that. I have fallen from that place.
Fallen far from the person I expected myself to be.

But you know what?
Somehow falling has taken me higher.
It has made me fall to my knees.  Fall to my knees with outspread arms.
The falling made me open my arms.   Stop the juggling act I was trying to control on my own.  Let go.  Open arms wide. And cry out.
Cry out from my knees.
And the crying, the questioning, the anger - it has all led me fall onto my knees in worship.  To fall onto my knees and fall more in love with my Father who never lets me fall.
For I fall into His arms. His arms that hold me close with His steadfast love. 

And somehow this is okay. 
This is okay because falling down from my high personal expectations has caused me to fall into Him.  

The Ugly Beautiful

The ugly made beautiful.
The ugly beautiful.

Finding the beautiful in the pain, sadness, confusion.  Finding the beautiful in the valleys.
It's sometimes really difficult.  Everything can look so dark. So full of hurt. So full of questioning without answers.
But I have begun to learn that if you look hard enough, the ugly can become beautiful.
The ugly can be beautiful.  Sometimes you have to really look.
But the beautiful is there. 

The fire will come and it will burn.  It will hurt and leave ugly black behind it.
It will be devastating.  It is devastating.
It is hard to understand why fire must come. Change the course of life.
But it still comes.  Life is changed.
Life is changed but not destroyed.

And you know, sometimes the fire is needed.  For the pain and black to come.
Because somehow in the black, the light shines brighter.
The blessings, the gifts, the beautiful shines true because of the ugly.

A fire blazed out of control not too far from here about a month ago.
It burned, destroyed, wrecked everything in its path.
It caused pain, fear, death.
But because of it, the life shines brighter.
The life saved, rescued.  The life that survived.
And the life that now blooms.  And blooms because of the fire.

The valley is barren and dark. But because of the fire, the yucca plants bloom.  
They bloom in glory.  They are beautiful and brilliant.

They say that the yucca plant flowers even more after the fire.
After the burning pain, it blooms even more.
And the more it blooms, the more impact it has.
More seeds are spread and more plants will one day grow bright and beautiful.


And you know what is else?
The yucca is also known as Our Lord's Candle.
The light that shines bright into the darkness.
The light that shines truth, love, and beauty into this world.

Somehow, beauty shines through the ashes.  A brilliant reminder of hope.
That out of the pain, out of what seems like death, life and life to the full can come.

And that is what I am learning.  Learning to find the beauty in the ugly.
The beauty despite the ugly. The ugly beautiful.

And because of that, I hope. I can hope.
I can keep going.  For He promises to make beautiful things out of us.
Out of dark. Out of pain. Out of the ugly.
Beauty comes.

It comes brighter than before. Even though it truly has been there all along.
The ugly beautiful. 

Dive back In

Sea world came to my house today.
Well sort of.

A seal decided it would be a good idea to climb up the stairs of our beach house.  And not just one set but two! He decided not to go onto the top deck but instead rest two steps from the top.  Rest from his long journey and like any other Californian, sun bathe.
He would stretch every so often and look around.  Look around at life from his new found perspective.
From way up there he could see other life that swims around him like never before. He could watch the dolphins frolicking in the waves.  He could see birds flying high.  People down on the beach were no longer predators but rather another thing moving along the shore.  
I watched him for a long time this morning through the window.  He looked back at me.  I guess I seemed like the one who was in an exhibit,  held behind glass.   He was life beyond my window.  I was life inside. 

After a while, my mom and I began to wonder if he would be able to get down.  We thought of calling the Ocean Wildlife Rescue people but decided to see what he would do first. My mom went on the deck upstairs and began to talk to him.  He then proceeded to slide down the stairs a bit to get a safe distance away.  And then called it nap time after he realized we wouldn't hurt him. 
He eventually moved a bit further down the stairs, finally past the first deck.  Yet he continued to rest and look out onto the ocean.

I began thinking about what it must have been like for him.  Out of his ordinary life, into one that didn't require much of him,  allowing him just to nap and bask in the sun.  He ventured from his known into the unknown in quite an act of bravery.  To heights no other seal he knows has probably climbed. And although he liked it, it wasn't where he belonged.  
It took the voice of a mom to coax him further down the stairs.  To convince him just enough to move. 
Isn't that true in our lives though?  That sometimes we need something, something that may even scare us a little, to coax us back?  Coax us back to the place we were made to go.  The place we were made for. 

Sure that place we were made to be may scare us too.  But sometimes we need that kind of coaxing, the encouragement to move to where we can thrive. 
Because he wouldn't thrive if he stayed here all the time. He would get weaker, lose sight of what he was meant to do.  He would have a nice view but not be able to do anything. 

And you know, to be perfectly honest, I feel a bit like him.  Removed from where I seemed to thrive and have purpose.  Stuck in my retreat from the world, with a nice view but kind of stuck.  
I am scared too.  Scared to go back to school, back to things I used to do.  Back to places where people know me for what I did and not who I am, for I can no longer do those things - at least not at the moment. 
I am also scared of crashing and spiralling further into the unknown debilitations from CFS.  I do not want to over do things and get worse, so I don't do them.  I stay where I am comfortable. I do the routine that I know I can do. 
It takes that same voice of encouragement that moved the seal, to make me move, to challenge me to try things, to convince me to come down to California.  And I am so glad I am here.  Somewhere different where my routine does have to change because I am not at home. 
It took the nudgings of the Spirit and strength from Christ to share my story.  To deal with the chapter I am in now and not further deny it.  To write this blog.  To do something where I once again have a purpose and can thrive - however different it is. And I was scared.  I knew I wanted to share my story but I was scared at how people would respond, wondered if anyone would care, would want to hear my story, would keep coming back. 
But I am blown away by the encouragement and blessings writing has brought me.  I am astounded by all who care. By all who want to somehow be apart of my story where I slowly try to get back into the ocean of life doing what I was made to do. 

And I am ever so blessed that you are a part of my story. Thank you for coming back.  Thank you for being the encouraging voice that pushes me a little.  That prays me back to the place where I dream to be.  Where God has bigger plans for me.  And thank you for being patient with me as I stop and just rest.  Just rest and wait. 
Wait and expectantly hope for the time when I can dive back in. 

A Phone Call

I missed a phone call today. The best phone call in the world. And I missed it. 
I had woken up not long before the call and did not hear my phone nor hear it beep notifying me there was a message as my data and roaming were turned off. 
But despite missing the call, it is still the best phone call in the world - and probably will forever remain that way. 

The phone call was from Guatemala. 

My sister is there right now and tried to call me.  She tried to call me because she was somewhere very dear to me and with someone even dearer than the place.  She was with my sponsor chid, Yoselina in the little village of Mocohan.  
But although we didn't connect through the air, we connected through the cries of our hearts.  
My sweet little girl left me a message. Through her kind and beautiful voice I could feel her love and but also her pain.  By the end of the short heart warming while simultaneously heart breaking message, I could hear through tears that she was sad. Sad for me.  That she loved me and asked for God to bless me. 
This is coming from a girl who lives in a village where open sewer runs by her home.  From a girl whose family is just making it by.  From a girl who wears the same clothes almost every day. 
I was brought to tears.  Hugely blessed.  Greatly humbled.  And embraced with overwhelming love. 
Love that brought a little sweet Guatemalan girl to tears. 
Love that brought this Canadian to tears. 
Love that bridges the two of us, though we are many miles apart. 

My sister also told me something that made my heart burst all the more. 
She said that this morning she went to the morning devotional at Yoselina's school. 
And as she was hidden behind everyone in the back, she heard them praying.  All of them praying. And they were praying for me. 
Hundreds of children praying for me. 

I am still a bit in shock. 
They were all praying for me.  For me who has more than they could ever begin to imagine. For me miles and miles away.  For me.  
I am sure many other sponsors are ill or struggling in some way and I am positive that this suffering that I know now can never compare to what my dear friends in Guatemala endure. But they were praying for me. 

Monica said that they didn't know she was there and that it was so very special to hear them praying. And I know that God heard those prayers because those children have faith.  Faith that can move mountains. 
Their worship is more genuine, their cries for help and love more sincere, than I have ever seen. 

So if at any point I felt like giving up this fight, or if I ever feel that I cannot seem to carry on, I will remember this missed phone call and the prayers of many young faithful lovers of The Lord in Guatemala. 
I will fight for them.  I can fight because of them and the immense hope and joy they have given me. 
And Lord willing, I will be there again soon rejoicing with them.  And crying many more tears of love I am sure. 

Held in the Garden

Thanks to all your prayers, I made it safely to California.  Today has been a day of quiet and rest in bed, recovering from the adventure of yesterday. But it has been a wonderful day despite the pain I feel and the increased weakness and fatigue.  
Yet although I am experiencing some worsened symptoms, I am not completely run down and have been inspired and encouraged by some of the things I have read causing my soul to soar in hope and truth as the sea birds soar along the waves here. 
Today has been overcast and in some ways I am grateful for that.  It has allowed me to stay and rest in bed without feeling as though I should be outside soaking up all the sun and gaining all the freckles that I can.
It has also meant that the sky has been dancing in beauty.  The clouds have been a breathtaking backdrop to the bobbing boats in the distance. 
I think everyone has their special something in nature that they feel or see the Divine in.  Clouds are one of mine. 
I feel God's love and joy when the sun hits the changing clouds that slowly move on by. When the clouds seem to change all glorious colours of the palette - a true work of art. 
It is a gift.  A gift of His steadfast love. 

Another amazing gift He has blessed me with this day is a deeper and wider understanding of His amazing grace during times of struggle and wrestling. 
A dear friend of mine lead me to a post called The Garden. It is centred around Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane where He wrestles with God. Wrestles with God the Father's plan for the next journey of His life - the journey to the rugged Cross. 
I don't know if I have ever had my heart hit so hard by the story in the Garden.  I saw it in a new light. It became even more real. Christ's pain and struggle with the plan for His life was revealed in such a powerful way. 
The fact that He struggled and cried out to God for Him to take away the cup that was before Him makes me see my own struggle in a different light.  
It feel like I am now more free to struggle and wrestle with His plan for my life. To ask if there is a different way.  A way out of this debilitating illness. 
Christ knew all along that He would have to die in order to save us.  To bridge the gap between us and God the Father. Yet He still cried out to God with tears streaming down His face. 
This revelation seems to change everything for it dismisses guilt I feel when I struggle with His plan and purpose for my life. When I ask, why?  But I feel freed to really work through how I am feeling, what is running through my mind - some of the things I try to suppress. 
This gift brings freedom. Freedom to live life in it's true messiness.  To work through what is going on. To enter the Garden and meet with my Father.  My Father who holds me no matter how crazy, messy, and weak my life is.  Who holds me and promises to never let go. 

Jesus knew the answers to "Why, God?" and "How will this be worked out for good?" and He still wrestled.Before the physical world was made, there was a giant family-planning session.  And the three-in-one God knew the cost and wanted to proceed ahead.  Jesus' life on earth was a part of the agenda, and Jesus knew why.  He had known why for eternity.  He know how it would be good.  He wanted the good - that's why He was here.  It was a volunteer mission with a definite conclusion.
But the moment was still so hard.
It makes me feel better.  I know what the last chapter of my book says.  I've read ahead and know that "glory" and "paradise" and "no more tears" and "forever" and "eternally satisfied" and "rejoicing" is the end, and just the beginning.  I know the best is yet to come, and it won't be a tainted best - it will be thorough and full and tangible.  But I don't know the why's and how's for most of this life.  Many things I can look back on and say "Oh, whoa.  I see howthat had to happen in order for this to happen, and okay, yes, that was good."  But honestly, sometimes I just don't see it and God doesn't seem to make any sense whatsoever.
And how refreshing is it that Jesus knew the facts, the plans, the details, the answers, the WHOLE story, page by page, word by word, because He was a part of the penning of the tale, but when He was set into a climax as a human character, He responded like one?  He allows us the freedom to work through and work out our salvations without fear of frustrating or resisting God.  He shows us that being a child of God doesn't mean we robotically and stoically crank through life.  He releases us to storm the throne room, dirty and disheveled, knowing that the scepter will always be extended, and that the King doesn't flinch when His royal garb is muddied by our tears and mess while He holds us.  It's where He wants to be.  Wrestling strengthens our relationship muscles with Him.  It's, again, not a sign of weakness as much as it is a sign of strength.  Thank you, Jesus, for showing me that even the answers to the questions can't ward off the pain and that I am allowed and invited to think, mull, weep, plead and interact with my Father.

- An excerpt from The Garden 

Adventure and Anxiety

It seems that many of the people I know are traveling around the world to exotic and adventurous

places!  I love hearing about their adventures and looking through amazing photos of things they have done, people they have met, the culture they have been welcomed into.  It is so exciting to see but also makes my heart long for adventure.
I love culture.  I dream of traveling the world.
My sister just went to Guatemala - a country that holds a large piece of my heart. The people are so beautiful there - inside their hearts to the wonderous colours they wear.  I have been there three times and was planning to go a fourth time this summer.  It is place I feel like I am truly living. Where God is so close. Where there is such opportunity to serve and love.
Knowing my sister has flown there and other friends are around the world makes me so happy but it is also hard for me.  I long to go on those sorts of adventures. For being able to explore this vast and wonderful world.
Yet I am aware of my current limitations and realize that world wide adventure is not for me at this time.  But knowing that doesn't make it easier. My heart longs to go.  My feet long to move and bring joy, love, and an open heart and mind of learning to countries unlike my own.
And although I cannot go to places like Zambia, Isreal, Greece, or Guatemala, I can go on a bit of a smaller scale journey with my mom - although it seems like a huge journey in a weird way!
Today my mom and I are leaving for California for a week.  I am excited for a change and happy as where we are going is comfortable and known to me.  We are blessed to have place there, as my dad also has a business in California.  So the house is a place I feel comfortable going to as I know where I will be able to sleep and where I can rest and that it doesn't require doing up and down many stairs etc.
However, I am still quite anxious to go despite how blessed I am to be able go to another place that feels a bit like home.
I know I shouldn't be, but traveling just into Vancouver for an appointment is exhausting.
I am worried it is not smart to travel, that the heat will be too difficult for my body to be able to regulate itself in, that I will feel even worse.....
I know it is not helpful in any way to worry or get stuck thinking these things as I know that a change may be very refreshing and restorative for me.  That the sun and ocean breeze can be renewing.  That it can be a place of healing.
So this morning as I rest before leaving for the airport,  I try and surrender my fears.  Give my anxieties to Him who cares.
Breathe in and out. 
Relax and realign my focus. 
Move from worry to wonder of what this trip may hold. 
Move from worry to wonder of what my life may hold.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. (Philippians 4:4-9 ESV)