Captive and Captivated

Naaman, commander of the army of the king of Syria, was a great man with his master and in high favor, because by him the Lord had given victory to Syria. He was a mighty man of valor, but he was a leper. Now the Syrians on one of their raids had carried off a little girl from the land of Israel, and she worked in the service of Naaman's wife. She said to her mistress, "Would that my lord were with the prophet who is in Samaria! He would cure him of his leprosy." So Naaman went in and told his lord, "Thus and so spoke the girl from the land of Israel." (2 Kings 5:1-4 ESV)

A story of captivity.  A story of a little girl in a place not her own.  
The story of how a foreign slave girl who was forced into captivity changed the world. 
Her mighty little story. 

This is all we hear about this girl.  What happened to her?  We don't know. But we do know that in her captivity, she was captivated by the God of he home land. 
Being carried captive wasn't a mistake.  It was part of God's universal plan.  His plan of love and providence to all man - not just Israel.  And this plan became more evident through a little girl.  A girl who must have been scared.  In a foreign place with people not her family or friends.  Probably forced to do some of the most unthinkable things.  
But she also did something unthinkable - something unthinkable that diffused the knowledge of the True and Great Physician. 

Although Naaman was a great man, he also had a great thorn in his flesh.  Not matter how hard he must have tried to cover his leprosy, people were judging him.  Moving away from him.  Thinking less and less of him.  Avoiding him - purposely and noticeably. 
Lepers were cast away.  They had to cry out that they were a leper to prevent people from coming too close to them, accidentally touching them.  Their identity fully became leper.  
And I am sure Naaman knew this.  That it was just a matter of time because Namaan the great would become the leper without a name or value.  

But this girl, who was not his servant but the servant of his mistress, took a huge step of faith.  She believed that her God could save and heal the most rejected and incurable.  That He worked mighty wonders through His prophet.  That He could do what has never been done.  That He would heal, love and include a non-Israelite. 

And there were many lepers in Israel in the time of the prophet Elisha, and none of them was cleansed, but only Naaman the Syrian." (Luke 4:27)

And because the captive was captivated in the God of miracles, she boasted freely to a great man and nation about her Great Healer.  
The Great Healer. 
Who healed. And still does. 

So Naaman came with his horses and chariots and stood at the door of Elisha's house. And Elisha sent a messenger to him, saying, "Go and wash in the Jordan seven times, and your flesh shall be restored, and you shall be clean." But Naaman was angry and went away, saying, "Behold, I thought that he would surely come out to me and stand and call upon the name of the Lord his God, and wave his hand over the place and cure the leper. Are not Abana and Pharpar, the rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? Could I not wash in them and be clean?" So he turned and went away in a rage. But his servants came near and said to him, "My father, it is a great word the prophet has spoken to you; will you not do it? Has he actually said to you, "Wash, and be clean"?" So he went down and dipped himself seven times in the Jordan, according to the word of the man of God, and his flesh was restored like the flesh of a little child, and he was clean. (2 Kings 5:9-14)

Flesh of a child came because of the heart of a child.  
Faith of a small captive girl healed a great man and gave glory to God. 

~*~*~*~

Part of One Girl's link up called Chasing History about looking at stories of women in the Bible and connecting with them.  Seeing how they relate to us today.  So here is the first story I looked at.  Check out Chasing History for more!

You can read my last one called Daughter about the woman who was healed after 12 years if you missed it!

Two Fingers - An Update of Sorts

Today I am grateful. I am grateful for today. 

For continued strength that has carried me through this day. This day of beauty, warmth, love and wonder. This day that has held possibility and joy. This day where previous limits have been lifted. Where experiences that I haven't been able to fully enjoy and love have been done. 

Today I went back to Village Church for the first time in many months. The church where I am a member and have been so challenged and through the challenging, have grown immensely in my faith. 

I can relate that growth to my faith from the challenge I have been facing these past almost eight months now too. Today while reading Philip Yancey, I came across this:

 "spiritual nourishment is best experienced in the wilderness"

I have been reading his book called Where is God when it hurts? and am already being touched, challenged and so affirmed in this period where it does hurt.  (I will talk more about this in a post to come). 

But thanks be to God it doesn't hurt quite as much. Acupuncture is doing me wonders. Health coaching is helping me cope and move toward greater healing. Doctors have been encouraging as both my integrative health doctor and internal specialist were so happy with my progress this past week. My integrative health doctor told me to believe him when he says I don't have chronic fatigue syndrome because it has no cure and I am getting better. And my specialist said that soon he thinks we will be able to talk about relapse prevention instead of symptom management (which included added Gabapentin to my list of drugs and increasing some sleeping medications). 

My crashes (post exertional malaise - a key symptom of CFS/ME) is getter less and less. No longer does a car ride wipe me out of the rest of the day and I managed to go to my baby sister's grad banquet and though it was exhausting it was so worth it and by the next evening I had more energy than I have had in a long time. 

I was reminiscing with one of my best friends about high school days. We even took out my high school year books. We were talking away with my baby sister and all of a sudden it was nine o'clock. We talked for hours and I wasn't even in bed resting my head. Sitting for hours around the table is something I haven't been able to do in the longest time. It was so encouraging. And so normal!!! 

As I am writing this post, I am sitting at a park overlooking the sun setting into the ocean below. One of my favourite things in the whole world. 

And it was even better than I could have dreamed it to be.  I was even excited about getting my first mosquito bite.  And you know why?  Because it means I am living.  I am doing more.  Doing what I love.  And getting out of bed. 

When you have no experience of pain, it is rather hard to experience joy- George Wald

On the way home a song by Jake Bugg was playing (yes, I can enjoy listening to music again!) and the part of the chorus says, 

I got out, I got out, I'm alive and I'm here to staySo I hold two fingers up to yesterday

And though I don't condone the rest of the song, I felt these words resonate with my life.  

So here is to hoping and praying that I can metaphorically hold up two fingers and say peace to what the last while has held. 

"Hold two fingers up to yesterday. But also take it slow.  Being joyful for all that I have. "

In Between

It is Friday again so that means linking back up with Lisa Jo and the wonderful Five Minute Friday community she hosts.  
Writing for 5 minutes.  Unedited.  Raw.  Real.

Won't you hold my hand and join me?

Here we go...
In Between


The In Between.  I relate to this.  Waiting.  No longer where I was.  But yet not where I will be.

When something you had is taken from you, you can either sit and long to be back there or try and find the journey to receiving back what was lost.  
But in doing so, you end up somewhere new.  Always.

Because of the journey.  Because of the experience of seeking.  Of waiting.  Of being in between.

I know that in my life, I am in a definite time of in between.  
And you know?  As hard as it is, as hard as it can be... I wouldn't trade anything for what I have learned in this time of waiting.  Waiting on health.  Waiting on answers.  Waiting on God.

It has felt like a long journey in the desert.  I was somewhere that I thought was good, but it turns out, it wasn't where I was meant to be.  My direction has changed.  My eyes have been opened.  My heart has been torn.  Torn and rubbed with the sand of the desert.  Hurt and made raw.
But because of that, I can feel better than before.

And in the pain, the wondering, and the real, I find hope.  I see the light that this too shall pass.
I won't be in the desert forever.  But right now I am. 

So what am I going to do with it?
 
What will you do with it?


I pray we can embrace it.  Learn from it.  And seek Him - the True North - to bring us through.

Most of what matters in life doesn't come through big moments. Change happens gradually, over time. And the vehicle for our transformation is an unexpected one. We learn our greatest lessons from delays, setbacks, and inconveniences — through waiting.
At a time when our culture is calling us to hack our way into greater productivity and efficiency, what we may need to do is the opposite. To slow down. As we do, we may learn that it's not the experiences of a lifetime, but the life in the experiences, that determines who are and what we will become.
THE IN-BETWEEN is a call to embrace the importance that waiting plays in our lives, a reminder to be present and acknowledge the lessons life is trying to teach us in the slower moments.
Welcome to the wait. 

- Jeff Goins

If you liked what you just read by Jeff Goins, consider pre-ordering his book called THE IN-BETWEEN and by doing so get a bunch of free stuff from him!  Check it out here!


And if you missed last week's Five Minute Friday, hop on over to Unforced Rhythms of Grace

Who Says?

Who says?

Who says I cannot get my hair done? 
Who says I cannot paint my nails, wear red lipstick or dress up just because?

I don't know if anyone would tell me I couldn't. 
Anyone except me that is. 

Because I am sick...  
That is what the voice in my head keeps whispering.
... Because I am sick, I cannot.

Why should I put energy into doing any of these things? How could I?

I am tired. I am sitting at home and no one is going to see me. I don't feel lively or energetic.  I don't feel beautiful. I don't have any one to impress. 
And then would people question even more if I was truly sick?

These toxic thought circle around my mind.  Becoming more and more engrained. 

I have to look sick.  Fill the part of being sick for that is what I am.  

Slowly, without me even realizing, being sick has become far too much of my identity.  I live and breathe sick.  I cannot remember what it feels like not to be sick (as I mentioned in my last post Daughter). 

But why should I focus on being sick?  Why does being sick all of a sudden equal me?
It's not like it has changed who I am?  Yes it is my reality but it isn't me.  And the more I make it me... The harder it will be to heal. 
And the harder to heal, the more sick I become. 
I think that's what I was going through when I realized I was actually depressed.  
Once I stopped denying this was my reality, it became so much of me. I couldn't see the light anymore. I couldn't dream about what is to come. 
I was stuck.  Stuck in both my body and my mind. 

So with antidepressants doing their job, added awareness on my part, and with effort to get out of that rut I was stuck in, I am slowly transforming.  Transforming my thoughts and taking back my identity. 
It's like the muck I was in is drying up.  The sun has come out and the windflowers are beginning to bloom. 
The more I focus in the beauty around, the more I change. 

Beauty is all around.  Beauty is transforming me.

I am seeking joy.   Looking for the gift of everyday.  Believing that in weakness, His strength truly shines.  He makes me shine.  And I can be His precious princess who is beautiful. 

I am beginning to ask myself new questions.  New questions helping form this transformation.

Instead of asking myself about my pain,  I am asking myself how am I feeling great today?  Taking the focus that became so narrow from the negative to a broader reality. A reality where there really is so much positive. 
Where there are new and good things.  Things that bring me joy.  That give me strength. That heal. 

So again I ask, who says?  Because I am choosing to no longer be the voice that says I cannot be happy because I am sick.
So being sick no longer means I shouldn't do any of these things for myself.  That I shouldn't smile and have fun. That I shouldn't do something girly. 

Practicing gratitude has been a huge thing in changing my day.  I am keeping a gratitude journal and now in my day I seek out things that bring me joy and get excited to write about them. 

My cheerleader, already made friend, and health coach said, "Who says you cannot have the most fun of your life right how?" 
And she has been giving me tools to help me heal and transform.  Tools like the gratitude journal!

Gratitude is something God has been teaching me a lot about.  Over Christmas this past year, a couple months into being sick, I began to read One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. (If you have not read it, I highly recommend it!  It changed and is still changing my life.  Also it is on sale for only $9.99 at DaySpring.com.  Click here to get it!)

The truths of her book are seeds that have begun to sprout into the wild flowers of my life. 
It has opened my eyes to see the sacred in every day and with the help of my health coach getting me to restart my gratitude journal, my world is changing before me. 

The tagline for her book is a dare to live fully right where you are. And that is what I am embracing.  Because who says I cannot live fully where I am now.  
No one.  Because I can!

So now begin and end my day saying I am thankful.  And that starts becoming my breathe through out the day.

Today, I am thankful.
I am thankful for today. 

And you know what?  That beautiful print right there?  I entered a blog giveaway from Surviving our Blessings, and I won that!  And Abbey at Surviving our Blessings told me some of her story and I know that Gid brought us together for more than me winning her draw for her apparently famous cookies and this print, but He brought us together to give encouragement, joy, and comfort.  And the blessing of this beautiful reminder that I will be able to look at all the time.  

And remember this lesson that has changed my life. And is changing Abbey's too.  This is what she writes about her blog:

Gratitude, like faith, is a practice, so I'm practicing. There's always a reason to celebrate, always something for which we can be thankful, even if it is hard to see sometimes. This blog is about practicing gratitude...about finding reasons to be grateful in the midst of the mundane, daily events that make up our lives. ... Even ordinary days are gifts.

Oh, and I also did something girly. Something for me.  

I got my hair done. And you know, I feel beautiful!

  

Daughter

And there was a woman who had had a discharge of blood for twelve years, and who had suffered much under many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and was no better but rather grew worse. She had heard the reports about Jesus and came up behind him in the crowd and touched his garment. For she said, "If I touch even his garments, I will be made well." And immediately the flow of blood dried up, and she felt in her body that she was healed of her disease. And Jesus, perceiving in himself that power had gone out from him, immediately turned about in the crowd and said, "Who touched my garments?" And his disciples said to him, "You see the crowd pressing around you, and yet you say, "Who touched me?" " And he looked around to see who had done it. But the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came in fear and trembling and fell down before him and told him the whole truth. And he said to her, "Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease." (Mark 5:25-34 ESV, emphasis mine)

I love this story. It is so raw.  Her suffering is tangible while her faith is ethereal.  Beautiful, raw, and real. 
I relate a lot to this story also.  And I don't want to put myself in her position or even begin to claim that I know suffering as she does but I can relate a lot and find peace and hope in this story.   In this story about a woman who is dying of a disease that brings disgrace and shame.  About a woman who is nameless, one in the crowd, hidden - but becomes found and gets named Daughter.  

This Daughter of the King had been suffering for 12 years.  12 years of abandonment, fear, closeness to death, and hopelessness.   We are told she went to many doctors, tried many remedies, and spent all she had.  She became desperate.  Where she had placed her hope in, ended up being dry.  Taking rather than giving.  Leaving her worse off than when it all began. For 12 years... Her hope for healing was in the remedies and not the Healer.  Her hope was in what could be seen, what was tested and true, what could be bought and not in Him. 

I don't believe this retelling of the Daughter's story is to warn us about medicine or devalue the healing it can bring about.  I strongly believe that God can work through medicine to provide miracles.  That He does that all the time but we often take the glory for ourselves... Hope in what we can do for ourselves and not what He has provided... But that is a different story. 

Like this Daughter, I have tried remedy after remedy.  Had opinion after opinion.  And haven't been cured.  My journey has been less than a year, but it feels like almost all I have known.  I cannot remember what it feels like to have strength and vitality flowing through my blood but I know that it will feel glorious when that time comes.  And His Daughter, she felt that.  She went from utter weakness to full strength - immediately.  All it took was for her to reach out to Him for the healing to come. 

She trusted that if she all but reached out to Him, she would be made whole.  She believed what she had heard about Him and took a step of huge faith. 

And in doing so, she proclaimed Him as her refuge and hope.  And you know what, it didn't matter that He was her last hope.  That she had tried everything else she could do before coming to Him.  He still became her sure refuge, hope, and peace.  

And He called out to her.
He sought after her, looked for her in the crowd, and tenderly asked, "Who touched me?"   
He doesn't ask angrily or condemn her for not asking Him.  He speaks to her with encouragement. He commends her.   For she had faith. 

But she comes to Him with fear and trembling.  She falls before Him.  Humbles herself before Her King for she knew what He, and He alone did for her.  And she tells Him everything.  Tells Him things that shouldn't be mentioned in public, if at all. And let alone to the King of kings.   
Tells Him of all her suffering and that she believed if she could just touch Him that He could heal her.  And He listened to her.  To everything she had gone through.  Everything she had dealt with and called her Daughter.  Not before but after all of this. 
Giving her reason to leave in peace and healing - not just physically but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. And she can leave having every reason to be triumphant because of what He did for her.  

And you know, even though I have reached out to Him, cried out to Him for healing, and I haven't felt immediately well, this story still comforts.  For I know I serve a God who cares, who listens to the girl in the crowd, who seeks the girl who is suffering, and can heal her and make her whole. 

And really, He already has.  He has already come and given me the greatest healing.  He has taken me out of death and brought me to life.  He reaches down and wants to pull us all into life with Him.  To make us whole and to make us His precious Daughter. 

So because of that I can hope.  I can hope in Him that one day I will be whole again.  That I can have peace because He reaches out and holds me.  Even if the healing doesn't come. 

~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~

One Girl started this new link up called Chasing History.  It is about looking at stories of women in the Bible and connecting with them.  Seeing how they relate to us today.  So here is the first story I looked at.  Check out Chasing History for more!

A Smile

"What's happened to you?"
The question I dread.  And it was asked by a total stranger.  Well I think she is friends of a family friend but I don't think I have ever met her, let alone seen her before. 
What's happened to me?  Has something happened to me?  Does my physical ability define who I am?  I know I am taking this question to places she never intended but it sure makes me think and wonder what has, if something has indeed, happened to me, and if that implies something is wrong with me...?
"I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome," I replied but quickly added sarcastically, "it's been fun" because I was worried what her reaction would be towards CFS/ME.  Had ever heard of it? (Click here to read more about it if you haven't heard much about it).  Did she believe it was nothing and that I needed to push myself to walk  instead of letting my dad push me in my wheelchair (which by the way is new and wonderful! A dear family friend brought it over for me. It is much more comfy and stylish with its turquoise frame than my 'granny chair', as he affectionally called it, that we got at Canadian Tire for 50% off)?
I was worried she might scoff at me or just look at me weird. 
Why did I say "it's been fun", however sarcastically, because it definitely hasn't. And why should I care what a lady who was riding her horse down our road thought about me and my diagnosis?!
But for some reason I did care.  I didn't want to feel devalued or that I was less of a person. Weaker or a hypochondriac. 
Thankfully, she corrected me and said, "I bet it's not fun.  One of my friend's had that a while ago."
Confirmation. It was okay for me to be in my chair.  I was okay. 
And to that I replied, "Ya, it really hasn't been fun. I've had it for 7 months."
And we chatted briefly before my dad and I continued on our 'walk'. 

My dad convinced me to get out and go for a 'walk' to test out the new chair and I am glad I went.  Even though it was interesting and hard to see how forward some people are and what my own reactions are, I am glad I got out. 

It is a gorgeous day. Sunny but thankfully not too hot.  I managed not to overheat too much and the fresh warm summer air, gorgeous soft scent of clovers in blossom, the sighting of some wildlife and simply a new view, was a welcomed and wonderful change.  

Although the view from my window is beautiful and always changing, it was amazing to be apart of the life that occurs beyond my window.  To engage with what is around me and enjoy life anew.  Everything was beautiful to me.  Even the cracked pavement and empty greenhouse.  It was taking everything in as if I was in a new place.  I was looking with awe and wonder at the things that surround me.  The things that I normally I wouldn't have paid attention too.  
We saw a heron in a tree, a new family of baby ducks, the fast growing family of geese, wild flowers blossoming away, and looked around at our garden.  It was wonderful.  It was almost perfect. 

But I still wonder why I was scared and taken back by that lady's comment.  Just because I was in a wheelchair, there had to be something wrong with me. 
Yet at least she talked to me.  Some people ignore me all together when I am in a wheelchair, speaking abov me to whomever is pushing me.  It is shocking to me.  Appallingly sad and wrong. But I know I've done that before too.  Or just avoided the situation altogether.  Not knowing what I should say in worry of offending or something, so I would avoid. 
Avoidance isn't the better option.  It doesn't fix anything or make anyone feel better about them selves.  It doesn't make the situation go away.  
So please, try not to avoid.  But also think before you speak.  Ask how people are doing rather than what is wrong with them.  Or even just smile.

Even if you are just smiling because I look funny wearing two pairs of glasses or at my beloved pug on my lap (who happens to have three legs which also doesn't make anything wrong with him), a smile is still a smile and is worth a lot. 

PS. I came across this website called Story Cartel where you can get free ebooks in exchange for your honest review of them!  And since my brain fog is slowly lifting more and reading no longer takes quite as much energy nor produces an overwhelmed feeling causing me to stop, this has been a wonderful find.  Check it out!

Unforced Rhythms of Grace

Every Friday women link up at Lisa-Jo's blog and write for five minutes.  Five minutes only about a word prompt given by Lisa-Jo.  It is left unedited and raw.  Thanks for joining me in my Five Minute Friday!  I encourage you to give it a try also.  Whether you blog or not!  Write it in a journal, the comments of my blog, or go over to Lisa-Jo's!  
If you missed my previous Five Minute Friday blogs, you can check out Falling and Listen.


Here we go: 
Rhythm


I'm struggling to find my rhythm.  Any sort of rhythm. 
My days aren't predictable despite the fact that I almost do the same things every day. 
I feel different.  I hurt different. I see things differently. 

I got a cold and have now had any sort of try at finding a rhythm taken away, as the little energy I had is now almost all gone. 
So I sit here and rest.  Rest and wait.  Wait to be able to join the dance.  Join the song.  Join the rhythm of life. 
And I hear these words, oh so tender, Join me. Join the unforced rhythms with me. The unforced rhythms of grace. 

I realize I couldn't find a rhythm for I was trying to dance to ones I could no longer dance with. Sing with ones I could no longer hear. 
But when I stop trying to find my rhythm and instead rest in His - it changes. 
I can relax.  Stop trying. And learn to dance the most beautiful slow dance to a glorious song in the arms of my Lord. 
I can hold onto Him and live. Live the rhythm of life - life to the full.

“Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” (Matthew 11:28-30 MSG)