But the more I think about this - the more I really think about what I long for - I begin to realize that it isn't the life I had that I truly long for. I realize that although I would do pretty much anything in the hopes of getting better, I also wouldn't trade anything for the lessons I am learning through this. My life has been forever changed, my journey has taken a different turn, and I believe it will be for the better. That doesn't make it now pain and struggle free, but it does give hope. It is something to hold on to. That this experience (whether it lasts a long time or ends tomorrow) has opened my eyes to so many things and in doing so redirected my path and priorities.
It is something I hold on to but sometimes have a hard time remembering or focusing on - like this morning.
I woke up at 7am with huge amounts of pain running up my neck into my head. I felt paralyzed by the pain and was beyond grateful I was able to fall back asleep until after 9:30. I awoke to the same pain but after some pain killers and a little massage from my wonderful sister who is visiting, it seemed to lighten. (I have had to keep on top of the pain killers and take more time to write but it is so much better than this morning)
It is also raining and grey today. A day where I would previously have wished to curl up by the fire and read. A day where I would not want to venture out of the house. But today I wish I could just run outside and dance in the rain.
I think I long to do this, not because it was a common past time, but because it is something that made me feel alive. The spontaneity of it is so refreshing and it always ended in laughter - such joy! Feeling the fresh rain on my skin and dancing without a care in the world seemed to make the world pause - the world of pain, obligations, expectations... Nothing seemed to matter for freedom was felt.
I think we all need to learn to dance in the rain. No matter what storm we are in, whether it is a passing rain cloud or what seems to be a hurricane, we can choose to dance in the rain. Choose to live in the moment we are in.
No matter how tired, weak, or lost we may feel, I believe that joy can be found. But not if it is only wished for. It requires taking a step. Stepping out and doing something different. Seeing things differently. Being grateful for the gifts you are given in the moment.
I have sat and waited for joy - for a change. Waited for the day I will feel well again. Waited for my storm to pass. But I have learned that in the dark places, joy can still be found. There is still so much to be thankful for. We can still dance - even if it means dancing to a different tune.
I was having a really hard time hearing that tune and figuring out my steps this morning. I was kind of stuck wishing for what was, instead of looking to what is now.
I received an email newsletter from Jeff Goins, a blogger I recently started following. While reading it, I came across a sentence that struck a chord with me. Helped me hear the tune of now, and not then, a little better.
Pay attention to the moment — this one, right now. It's all you have. And it's more sacred than you realize.So I hope to find the right steps to dance to today's tune and pray that in whatever you are facing, you too learn to dance in the rain. To find joy and freedom today - regardless of what storm you may be facing.
And if you have never actually danced in the rain, I dare you to do it sometime. Don't stop and think about it or try and find your rain coat, just go and dance.