I have all day to look up news stories, look at photos, and watch clips of people talking about the destruction they have seen - whether it's to do with Oklahoma, Syria, or in my own neighbourhood. It might be because I am caught up in my own type of storm. It might be because it is easier not to know. But I do not really know.
I admit the energy I do have is spent mostly on my own journey right now. Going to appointments, reading other people's stories about their battle with CFS, spending time furthering my faith, and looking at things that interest me. These things are not bad but I am quite focused on me right now. I have questioned how I could be of help to the world. I have wondered how I could love and share the Gospel. I have complained and asked how I could be of use when I cannot seem to do much.
I have been stuck in my own world of sickness and depression. I have been stuck in grey clouds and wondered if I could ever see blue again. Wondered if I could ever say I was good, let alone great, and mean it.
But I was reminded today that the storms do not last forever. It is easy to see the first drop of rain from the grey sky and run for cover. To forget what the blue skies look like.
Just before writing this, a big dark cloud covered the sky, the winds picked up, and the rain came. From my window I watched as it came closer and closer. Yet despite this dark ominous cloud, a patch of sunlight was streaming down. I think it was God smiling at one of my friends, but it served to remind me that in all the storms that are in this world, including my own, there is always a light. A light that breaks through. It may be small or hard to find at times, but it is always there.
Today was a light breaking through day for me. I had a phone appointment with one of my doctors this morning and some blood work had come back showing my estrogen and progesterone levels are very low. This can definitely account for huge levels of fatigue and there have been stories of people who have improved significantly when they started taking these hormones. He was also able to suggest a couple more things, including compression stockings to help with the dizziness, and also decided to run a test to see how my body was responding to all the salt. This call gave me hope of finding more answers and for treatment that was tangible. But it didn't only give me hope because of the medical suggestions and advise he was able to give, but also because he wants to help me. He wants to keep trying and looking into things. He hasn't given up on me. Instead he told me he will not give up.
Those words are such comfort. They keep me going. I can have hope for a better tomorrow, where I can go and tangibly help change the world by going. But I realize now is not the time for me to be going but instead to be resting and to being open to new plans - to new ways to impact the world around me.
The following is one of my favourite Bible passages:
"Is not this the fast that I choose: to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the straps of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free, and to break every yoke? Is it not to share your bread with the hungry and bring the homeless poor into your house; when you see the naked, to cover him, and not to hide yourself from your own flesh? Then shall your light break forth like the dawn, and your healing shall spring up speedily; your righteousness shall go before you; the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard. Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer; you shall cry, and he will say, "Here I am." If you take away the yoke from your midst, the pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness, if you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as the noonday. And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail. And your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt; you shall raise up the foundations of many generations; you shall be called the repairer of the breach, the restorer of streets to dwell in. (Isaiah 58:6-12 ESV)I love this passage as it speaks the passions of my heart and also of the closeness and guidance of The Lord. Today I realized something new in this passage though. "And The Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places". In the scorched places, there The Lord will comfort and be with us. In scorched places. In the storms.
But then it continues, "and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden".
Watered gardens blossom. Watered gardens bear fruit. Watered gardens are places of beauty, serenity, peace.
But scorched places, the barren, dry, hard places, will be there first. But then the beauty of the lush gardens come.
The storm rains down and the fires blaze, but then new life grows and flowers bloom.
The storm eventually passes. The blue skies come.
And even if the advise and suggestions from my doctor do not lead to improvement or my healing, I will still strive to hold onto the hope of the light that breaks through the storm and hope that some day that light will fill the whole sky.
The storm this evening seemed to pass almost as quickly as it came. The grey dark clouds turned into brilliant white clouds on a blue canvas.
That change was amazing. The storm did pass. The light came.
The light has come.