I look forward to when the moon rises and I can escape to dreamland. I find my dreams very interesting as sometimes I am sick and sometimes I am not. In some of my dreams it seems like part way through my brain remembers I am still sick and then dream-me remembers it too. But sometimes I am free from any hindrance that being sick brings and I am hiking mountains, dancing with friends, or playing volleyball in a hot tub (that was last night haha!).
Many people with CFS have difficulties sleeping, which may seem weird as you would think someone who is chronically tired (among many other things - you can read my blog post on my symptoms if you haven't already) would have the best sleeps. But that is definitely not the case.
I have dealt with insomnia. Sometimes being awake for hours on end in the middle of the night. Sometimes waking up over ten times throughout the night. Sometimes not falling asleep for hours. Always waking up in the morning feeling as though I didn't sleep at all.
Thankfully I am sleeping almost straight throughout the night now thanks to my lovely sleeping pill combo. A couple hours before making the move to my own bed upstairs for the night, I take 6.25mg of methoprazine and then about 30 minutes before I take 30mg of nortriptyline and 7.5mg of zopiclone. When I first started taking zopiclone, they told me to take it in bed as it makes some people fall asleep instantly. Not the case for me, but I do remember that being the case for some of my patients during night shifts as a student nurse!
It still usually takes me a while to fall asleep once I am in my bed, but when I do fall asleep it is bliss. My sleep still is not very restorative. But I sleep.
This morning when I was replying to a message someone wrote me last night, I almost echoed back their good night wishes. I caught myself but wrote it to them anyways and then added Good morning!
But I sleep. And when I sleep I dream. Because I remain in a light sleep for a majority of the night, hence my sleep not being restorative, I dream a lot. My dreams are vivid too.
I like dreaming. In my dreams I can be whoever I want, wherever I want, and do whatever I want. I am not held back by the laws of physics or any inhibitions I my have. I dream and I love it.
I wonder what life would be like for us if we could all live that way - without inhibitions.
What if we all lived out our dreams? Not our dreams from when we sleep, but dreams from our hearts.
What if we could somehow act on our dreams without letting our minds talk us out of them?
I think the world would be a much better place. Much more filled with generosity, love, kindness, and ultimate joy!
I think it would be much closer to the way things were in the beginning. When we were made in God's image and sin had not entered the world. We wouldn't be ashamed or worried what others would think. We wouldn't care if people called us crazy. Life would be so much more of an adventure. A wonderful adventure walking with God.
I have definitely been a dreamer. One who wants to push the limits of a normal Canadian life. One who goes, does, changes and in doing so is changed.
But now I don't really know what to dream. I am sometimes scared to dream because I do not know what is possible. I don't know what I will be able to do. When I will be able to do them. I don't know how long this will last, what life will look like in the future.
But I am reminded and encouraged that all things are possible.
That I can continue to dream. And dream even better dreams. Dreams that are different from what I could have imagined before and that makes them all the more exciting.
I started reading "You're Made for a God-sized Dream" by Holley Gerth this morning. It is the first book I have attempted to read, besides my Bible, since March I believe. I only got a couple pages in before I started getting a sore head and aching eyes but already it has inspired me and given me hope for dreaming. And dreaming big.
So here's to dreaming. Dreaming for something other than the American dream.
Dreaming our own dreams that God has placed on our hearts!