My heart and soul are comforted by these words. My body knows them well but I still need to take them to heart. A friend of mine was saying how she needed to learn to be still and remarked that I must have that one figured out! But being still physically is only part of the battle. Although it is a hard battle. Well at least it was for me. Before I became sick, I was busy. I was always on the go. Always thinking three steps ahead. Figuring out what I would do the next day before the present day had even begun. Before I got sick and bedridden, when I was just battling what I thought was a bad cold, I remember joking with some of my friends after a meeting that being sick was God getting me to finally slow down somehow.
Back in early November I had no idea what those words would actually mean... Slow down.
Well slow down led to stop pretty quickly. Going 120% was my norm and before I could make heads or tails of it, I was almost at 0%.
So God helped me figure out the be still part physically. I guess He knew I was too stubborn to do that one much on my own. But after over six months of this, He is still having to whisper it to my soul over and over again. I catch myself worrying about a blood test result, constantly checking Facebook and Instagram, mindlessly looking at something on my computer, ... the list goes on. I have a hard time stopping for some reason.
I think in my mind stopping equals weakness. Growing up I somehow got in my mind that I had to be strong. I had to be the strong one. As the eldest of three girls in a house where my dad was gone with work frequently and my mom was dealing with health issues of her own, I assumed a type of mothering role. I decided I needed to be strong and hold things together whenever they began to fall apart. I was a fixer, a doer, a helper. I did not like being helped.
But all of that has changed.
It has changed because I need to be helped. I cannot do it on my own. I need help walking. I need help washing my hair. I need help with almost everything. And in this time of physically falling apart, God has been working inside of me. Teaching me to stop and seek Him. Teaching me that He is always there - He is with me no matter how many times I try and do it on my own.
"God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day... Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth"
Psalm 46:5 & 10
Today my mom helped me outside. The warmth from the sun and the wonderful fresh breeze was nourishing. It was a peaceful day. One filled with His graces. Although I could not stay out too long, as my body was having a difficult time regulating its temperature and I was sweating one moment and then chilled the next, it was still a beautiful gift to be out. And while I was outside I was reminded of a truth that God had revealed to me earlier this year.
On the bottom of our pool is a cross. On the windy and stormy days, it is hard to make out but on the still days, like today in all its beauty, the cross stands out. But just because it isn't visible on the stormy days, it doesn't make it any less there. The cross always remains. He always remains.
Amidst the storms and battles of this life, He remains the one constant thing. Amidst doctors' questioning and unsure, amidst my own depression and confusion, amidst it all - He remains and promises to fight for me.
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still" Exodus 14:14He says He will fight for us, but we have to do one thing. We don't have to fight first, come in after He has begun to fight, or fight alongside Him - we just have to be still.
I am slowly learning but I am still a far way off from figuring it out. Figuring out how to get rid of the busy and distracted me.
But I do know that I am learning and that is what matters. Slowly but surely I am learning to be still in more than just body. I know this as I am hearing Him more, seeing Him more, desiring Him more. And that is all to His glory and praise.
Be still my soul and just let it go
Just let it go
Glory to God
Glory to God in the Highest
Glory to God
Glory to God in the Highest
Be still my soul, Lord make me whole
Lord make me whole
- "Dust We are and Shall Return" by The Brilliance