Falling

A couple of the blogs I have begun to follow write for five minutes every Friday. They write for five minutes from a prompt on Lisa-Jo's blog.
I don't know Lisa-Jo but I do know that her idea of five minute Friday causes women to gather together in community and write truths from their heart.
The concept of five-minute Friday is that you write for five minutes and five minutes only from the prompt she posts. You don't go back and edit. You leave it raw, honest, and imperfect.  Which somehow seems to make it perfect.  For you hear from the heart. 
The concept scares me a bit. Having a time pressure gives me a bit of anxiety.  
That is something that is new to me.  Anxiety. I don't really think I was anxious much before but lately it has been a bit of a struggle.
So for the first time, I decided I would write. Write without a time limit but still write on the prompt.  And I guess it doesn't matter much as it is Saturday today anyways!


So here we go... My version of Five Minute Friday....
Fall

Fall is a word that doesn't sit well with me.
I think it is beause it looks a lot like fail.

I am a recovering perfectionist.  Some days I am better than others but I haven't seemed to find the cure yet for that one.
Failing isn't an option for me. Falling isn't an option.
Well it wasn't.

Now things have changed a bit and yes I have almost fallen because of my weakness or dizziness.  Because of my imperfections.  Because I am sick.
I have failed to be who I thought I would be.  What I thought I would be able to achieve.
I am not a nurse.  But maybe that is good for I think I seemed to fail a bit on the self care aspect.  I tried to always care for others, help those who needed it, say yes to everything.
But now I cannot.  I failed that. I have fallen from that place.
Fallen far from the person I expected myself to be.

But you know what?
Somehow falling has taken me higher.
It has made me fall to my knees.  Fall to my knees with outspread arms.
The falling made me open my arms.   Stop the juggling act I was trying to control on my own.  Let go.  Open arms wide. And cry out.
Cry out from my knees.
And the crying, the questioning, the anger - it has all led me fall onto my knees in worship.  To fall onto my knees and fall more in love with my Father who never lets me fall.
For I fall into His arms. His arms that hold me close with His steadfast love. 

And somehow this is okay. 
This is okay because falling down from my high personal expectations has caused me to fall into Him.